Monday

I used to feel like I was on fire, bursting into flames from violent emotional discord.  I turned every external rejection inward, amplified my misery, felt worthless.  These days, not so much.  Classify it under the condition of "growing up."  At some point we all have to realize that we're all just here confused, trying to do the best we can with the little time we have, and life is hard on everyone.  It helps to remember that free will is something of an illusion, considering we are all programmed by our peers, parents, events, etc. to act just like we do...things in the universe aren't random, just very large, intricate and subtle.  Galaxies move in spiral patterns, with revolving solar systems and planets inside them, with humanity somewhere on a dust mote in that vastness of space, living our little lives like clockwork.  So, when I'm feeling blue, or angry because of other people, I just have to step back and remember that we're all just operating like we're programmed to...we're being true to our natures, even if those natures are hurtful to others, or ourselves. If I took every blow as I perceived it, I'd break apart into nothing before too long, or the friction would set me on fire...better to look at life like it is: intangible...so when the hurt comes, it just evaporates into smoke and blows past, making me effectively untouchable.  What concerns me lately is Time...utilizing it effectively, being productive, changing, growing, moving...I've been a prisoner of imposed fears and familial obligations for the past two years, and I think my sentence is almost up.  Maybe some people are naturally lonely, I'm not sure, I think I may be one of those people...not that I mind, really - it's a sign of strength to be alone with yourself for long periods of time...you really get to know yourself.  Perhaps, though, it's a matter of numbers and geography, and one has to get up and move and just trust in oneself that loneliness is just an isolated incident that can be overcome eventually.  I've gotten over feeling sorry for myself and screaming into the dark.  I'm cutting my strings and going for a walk.  I think I might be walking for a while.